People-Pleasing as a Trauma Response: Are You a People-Pleaser?

When the desire to avoid conflict becomes a trap.

"I'm always there for everyone, but who's there for me?" This familiar question highlights a common behavioral pattern known as people-pleasing. People who identify with this pattern often prioritize the needs of others over their own, driven by a strong desire to please and appease. But what lies beneath this behavior?

People-Pleasing: Beyond the Surface

People-pleasing isn't just a personality trait; it often reflects a deep-rooted survival mechanism linked to traumatic experiences. Pete Walker, a pioneer in the field of complex trauma, proposed the "four Fs" model to explain the various responses to trauma. Walker identified four primary coping strategies: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn (people-pleasing).

People-Pleasing as One of Many Trauma Responses

Walker's "four Fs" model provided a valuable framework for understanding trauma responses, but later research expanded on this. Researchers identified a wider range of responses, including: Fumble, Forget, Fabricate, Fraternize, and Flop (or Faint) – physical or emotional collapse in response to a threatening situation. These responses highlight the flexibility and complexity of human reactions to trauma.

The Link Between Complex Trauma and People-Pleasing

Among these responses, people-pleasing is a common reaction in individuals who experienced complex trauma in childhood. Children who learned that self-expression could lead to harm may suppress their emotions and desires to maintain peace at home. Distrust of adults and their environment leads them to believe that only by serving others will they earn validation.

Long-Term Consequences of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing, which served as a protective mechanism in childhood, can become an obstacle in adulthood. It can lead to:

• Interpersonal difficulties: Fear of expressing opinions, difficulty saying no, and challenges in setting boundaries.
• Low self-esteem: A constant feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness.
• Anxiety and depression: Emotional overload resulting from suppressing personal needs.

Common Signs of People-Pleasing:

• Self-deprecation and minimizing personal needs, preferences, and desires: Saying things like, "I don't care where we go, whatever you want," "I'm fine with anything," or "I'm okay, tell me about you."
• Consistent difficulty saying "no."
• Tendency to take on excessive responsibility: Especially in group settings, even at your own expense.
• Difficulty expressing your opinions and constant doubt about your thoughts, feelings, and personal boundaries.
• Feeling like you "shouldn't" be angry, disappointed, or frustrated.
• Feeling fake or inauthentic in relationships.
• Excessive responsibility for others' emotional reactions.
• Walking on eggshells around others.
• An immediate need to forgive, give in, or apologize to avoid tension or conflict.
• A deep fear of disappointing others.
• "Disappearing" or "disassociating" in conflict situations to calm the other person.

How to Cope with People-Pleasing

Therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), can help individuals understand the roots of this behavior and develop healthier coping strategies. Therapy allows you to process trauma, change thought and behavior patterns, and develop new social skills.

In Conclusion

People-pleasing, often rooted in trauma, is a survival mechanism designed to protect us. However, it can become a trap that leaves us feeling empty inside. Understanding the link between trauma and people-pleasing, within the context of the various human responses to trauma, is the first step toward breaking free from this pattern and developing a more fulfilling life.