The Guide On How (And Why) To Be Your Own Good Friend

Imagine you had a friend who is always there for you, listens patiently, and shows kindness and compassion. We all want such a friend and strive to be that person for others. Yet, when it comes to ourselves, we often fall short. Instead of kindness, we offer judgment and harsh criticism. This is where self-compassion, a key concept in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), comes into play.

Why Self-Compassion Matters

Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same respect, kindness, compassion and understanding you would offer a friend. ACT therapy emphasizes self-compassion because it helps break the cycle of self-criticism and promotes emotional well-being. When we are compassionate towards ourselves, we create a safe space to explore our feelings and experiences without fear of judgment. Self-compassion may also help us find the courage required to act according to what is really important to us, that is, according to our actual values.

Real-life example: Think about a time when you made a mistake at work. Instead of judging yourself with thoughts like "I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right", try to notice the feelings that accompany you and the thoughts that run through your head. Acknowledge the mistake and at the same time still treat yourself with respect and friendship: "I made a mistake, it's okay to feel frustration and disappointment in such a situation. Everyone makes mistakes, and most also feel frustration when it happens."

The NOTE Technique

How to be your good friend: To practice self-compassion, you can use the NOTE technique:

• Notice: When harsh thoughts arise, take notice. Acknowledge them by saying, “I notice I’m being self-critical.”
• Observe: Observe these thoughts without judgment. Ask yourself what feelings accompany them and where you feel them in your body.
• Thank: Thank your mind for trying to protect you, even if it feels like it’s being a bully. This helps separate you from the judgment.
• Engage: Engage in activities that are really important to you and that are in accordance with your values. Focus on what brings you closer to being the person you want to be, to self-fulfillment.

The Importance of Self-Compassion in ACT Therapy

ACT therapy sees self-compassion as an essential component of mental health and progress. Self-compassion, as opposed to self-pity, allows us to accept our thoughts and feelings as they are without getting involved in them. By practicing self-compassion, we can reduce the impact of stress, improve our emotional resilience, foster a more positive relationship with ourselves and others, and help build the courage to act on what is truly important to us.

Real-Life Example: Imagine you are dealing with anxiety about a big presentation. When the thought comes up, "I'm not able to present in front of the team; I'm going to fail and make fun of myself," notice it, observe it, and practice self-compassion by saying something like this: "Thank you, Mind, for once again bringing up the thought that I will fail and make fun of myself, it's natural to feel anxiety in this situation, and a lot of people in my place would feel this anxiety. I'm doing my best and what's in my control."

Summary – How (And Why) To Be Your Own Good Friend

Self-compassion is the opposite of self-pity; It is actually an essential skill for emotional resilience and quality of life. Treating ourselves with empathy, kindness and understanding allows us to navigate life's challenges more easily and resiliently. Remember, you deserve the same compassion you offer others. Start practicing self-compassion today and see its positive impact on your life.